Many people start out their testimonies with attention grabbing stories using their alcohol addictions, gang related violence and even near death experiences to draw their listeners in. Although I did go to (a) party my struggle against God wasn’t because I didn’t want to give that up. The question that often came up in my fights with God was the question “why me?” This is a question that everyone will ask God in their walk with him, or their fight against him.
At some point the question will be asked. I struggled with this question for a while. “Why do I have to be the pastor’s kid?” “Why do I have to be the example?” A couple years later it became “why do I have to be the missionary’s kid?” These questions were the questions that led to the beginning stages of my fight with God.
Gray dark walls were what I would wake up to every evening because I didn’t even get out of bed until five in the afternoon. I would feed my depression every night watching videos of people who experienced depression just like I did. And yes, while they say it helps to know someone is going through the same thing as you I believe this is a lie. It only feeds you and helps you justify your thinking. To be honest describing this to you is hard because I’ve blocked it out completely. But the one thing I could never block out is March 12, 2012. The one night I finally gave everything to God. It took me three years but I had finally hit it. Rock bottom. I was lying in bed with a face so red from anger, tears rolling down my face and the exact words I told God were “This better work because it’s a last resort”.
After I gave everything to God, the next morning I felt like a completely different person. All the anger was gone, self-hatred, and loneliness. Gone. My life was different because now I had a purpose. And three years later it still does. Yes Christianity has its low points but you learn that it’s God’s way of making you a better person. You gain wisdom and understanding (if you’re open it). Today I can say with an honest heart I am still a new person. I have a great job that has allowed me to learn some of the most important things a young girl could learn in life and I can honestly say that I love it. I have so much love in my heart for my family which is a huge change. I use to have so much hatred for my mother. I treated her wrong and blamed her for everything wrong in my life. But mom, Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for showing me what God means when he says “endless love”. I thank God for you every day and I just want to tell you, I love you.
To the people reading this, you have a choice to make. Do you continue giving ear to the devil or do you finally give in to the grace of God and except change. If you are a church kid like me you have heard it a million time and it’s the very thing that still haunts you but I’m going to say it again. Let it sink in. Time is short. The pleasures of the world are but fleeting. It feels good for a second but how about eternity? Are you willing to go to hell because of the sin? Will you stand there saying its worth it? You are at a crossroads. Will you continue to give an ear to the devil of finally give into the grace of God?
很多人開始他們的見證, 會說一些故事關於酗酒成癮 幫派暴力或瀕死的經驗去吸引他們的聽眾. 雖然我也會去參加舞會, 但我反對神的掙扎不是因為我不想放棄, 問題是我常常對抗神的問題是” 為什麼是我?” 這是每一個與祂同行或跟祂對抗的人都會問的問題. 在某時候這問題就會被問. 我也為此問題所苦了一陣子 “為什麼我要是牧師的小孩? 為什麼我要成為模範?” 幾年後變成是 “為什麼我要做傳道者的小孩? 這些就是導引我剛開始跟神對抗的階段.每個夜晚我所面對的就是一道灰牆, 因為不到清晨五點我是不會下床的, 我每晚不斷餵養我憂鬱的心, 看和我一樣經歷憂鬱的人們的影片, 是的 他們說這會幫助你 去知道有人和你一樣經歷同樣的事, 這是一個謊言. 它只是幫助合理化你的想法, 老實說 來描述這事有點困難, 我已經完全掩蓋了它, 但有一件事我卻無法去遮蓋 就是2012年3月12日, 那天晚上我把一切交給了神, 三年的時間 最終到達生命的底部, 我躺在床上 因為生氣而全臉通紅, 眼淚從臉上流下, 我清楚的向神說: 這最好有效 因為這是我最後的訴求了. 在我把一切交給神之後, 隔天早上起來我變得像是不一樣的人, 所有的生氣 自我仇恨 孤單不見了, 我的生命變得不一樣,因為現在有目的. 三年之後仍然如此, 是的 基督徒也有低潮, 但是你學習到那是神的方式讓你成為更好的人, 你得到智慧和了解(如果你心開放). 今天我可以誠實的說,我仍是一個新造的人, 我擁有一個好工作讓一個年輕女孩可以在生命中學到很多重要的事, 老實說 我愛我的工作. 我對我的家人充滿愛, 這是巨大的改變. 我以前很恨我的母親, 我對她不好 我生命中的錯誤都責備她, 但是 媽媽 感謝你沒有放棄我, 感謝你向我顯現神所說的”無盡的愛”, 我每天為你感謝神 我只是想告訴你 我愛你. 對正在看這見證的你們說, 你可以做選擇, 你要繼續聽魔鬼的? 或是最終改變接受神的恩典? 假如你是教會小孩像我一樣, 你可能已經聽了百萬次, 但我仍然要告訴你, 接受它吧, 時間是短暫的. 世間的享樂是短暫的, 可能暫時快樂, 那永恆呢? 你願意因為罪下地獄嗎? 你願意站在那說一切值得? 你正在十字路口上, 你要繼續聽魔鬼的?還是願意接受神的恩典呢?